Doctors and Pricks


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What began with a sneeze ended with statutory rape. No, I’m not referring to my college dating career. All of those beauties were of age, I promise. At least their AARP cards said so. Instead, I’m referring to . . . my childhood doctor. Continue reading

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Why is America facing so many problems?


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Because video montages killed our work ethic.

Think about it, there are movie montages for everything. And it’s because of these compacted chunks of time set to bitchin’ bossanova beats that we, Americans, no longer strive to work longer than we think is necessary (e.g., 3 minutes, 22 seconds). Therefore, like any legitimate national crisis, I blame the 80′s. Continue reading

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The Spelling Bee – FINALE


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“Holly? Your first word is . . . whether.”

I can spell that.

“Can you use that in a sentence please?” Holly asked.

I’d been unaware we could ask such clarifying questions. Apparently little miss Holly knows a thing or two about spelling bees. Double shit! Not only is it sudden death, but now we are faced with trick words, too?

“Jeff, your word is skeleton.”

No problem for my boy.

“William, ready?” Flirt alert! Flirt alert!

“Yes, Ms. Lawson. Ready.” The chemistry was palpable . . . and slightly illegal. Continue reading

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The Snellpig Bee – PART 2


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I spent the rest of that Saturday spelling. And Sunday. It’s bad enough they made me go to church (which should totally have counted as work), but to come home afterwards and be forced to continue learning . . . abusive. The next three days went as follows:

Monday – breakfast, school, chores, spelling practice, bedtime

Tuesday – breakfast, school, chores, spelling practice, bedtime, nightmare about my ceiling fan eating me.

Wednesday – breakfast, school, chores, dinner, thirty minutes of Space Invaders with Dad (wherein he asked me to spell “invaders” – I read the cartridge’s label when he wasn’t looking), bedtime, slept naked because I started getting erections at this point and my tighty-whities felt restrictive . . .

Thursday morning, the day of the spelling bee. Dad shuffled into my room earlier than usual to wake me. He leaned over to pull the sheet off. Continue reading

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The Slleping Bee: Part I


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In the fourth grade I made the grave mistake of telling my parents the elementary school announced plans for a spelling bee. Mom played it cool and asked me if wanted to do it. She never pushed me into these things, she liked for me to discover life on my own. And by “life” I mean she let me discover the ruthless density of Texas soil when I said I wanted to jump off the second floor balcony; or let me discover the average land speed of a temperamental long horn when I said I wanted to go walking in our neighbor’s pasture unsupervised; and even let me discover – and I truly wish she’d intervened – that the incredibly voluptuous brunette I’d been getting to second base with was, in fact, my first cousin. Silly Mom.

Dad, on the other hand, saw this as yet another opportunity to mold his only son into something other than the toilet-clogging r’tard I was. Continue reading

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“Make it so, Number 2!”


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So I have Adult ADHD with OCD markers. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?

I’ve struggled all my life with ridiculous tasks like being awesome, bench-pressing 300 lbs, rebuilding an engine block, learning Mandarin, plugging volcanoes and not focusing on the task at hand. Unless there’s a breast in that hand – then I have absolutely no problem focusing on it. And my hand. Continue reading

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Bluetooth Saves My Wallet


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As many of you may know, a couple months ago my Bluetooth earpiece saved me from  getting my ass beat at a Boston Market. If unfamiliar with this incident, then please catch up.

Today I discovered a new use for my Samsung device: ignoring the homeless. Continue reading

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Good Dog – The Finale


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The next afternoon I sat up in bed watching Gomer Pile, USMC, and playing with my Transformers. The bite wound itched. I couldn’t open my right eye – my shooting eye – which jacked-up my depth perception. When relieving myself I hit more rim and floor (than usual) due to my temporary impairment. But I had my own bathroom so who cares.

It’s very difficult for a five year-old NOT to poke and pick at a wound on his body. It’s instinctual. Yes it hurt like hell, but contained injuries are the best way to test one’s pain threshold under calm-er circumstances. You know you did (or do) this, too. It’s in our nature to investigate. That particular morning I used Optimus Prime’s laser canon to prod the wound around my puffy eye. I’d push until it hurt. Stupid. Continue reading

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Good Dog – Part 2


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My scream bounced off the tin roof and filled the arena spooking horses. People looked around hoping someone could explain the sudden interruption. Mom and Indiana stuttered to stop.

“Oh my god!” Skittles lady covered her mouth and pointed in my direction. A chunk of nacho cheese dripped off her index finger. Continue reading

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Good Dog: A Short Story (Part One)


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What kid doesn’t love dogs?

Rhetorical question. If you answered it, stop reading, slap yourself, then restart this paragraph. (Repeat as necessary.)

They’re ignorantly happy, energetic, occasionally helpful, they drool and cost money. I guess you could say the same thing about dogs. For some anthropological reason we are born with an affinity for mutts. A blind faith, if you will. We humanize them with ideals such as innocence, love, wisdom, and even soulfulness.

You’re probably thinking about your dog right now, aren’t you? If so, let me ask you this: when was the last time it pissed you off?  Say, barfed on the sofa; grunted on the Oriental rug; ran out into the middle of the street like a dumb ass only to get crushed by a dingbat in a speeding Corvette so you have to explain to your sister later that day how you killed her dog by letting it out to pee? (I’ll never forgive you, Chewie. I don’t know what was so interesting about the fucking street that you had to shimmy under the fence and play tag with oncoming traffic.) Exactly. That’s what I thought. Continue reading

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