Bluetooth SAVED MY LIFE!


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Picture this: I walk into Boston Market to grab some dinner. Standing in line in front of me is this epic douche of a man – - late forties, maroon turtleneck choking out his patchy 5 o’clock shadow, brass-tipped loafers, and something resembling a Members Only jacket to top off the ensemble – - you get the idea. As I wait for my order, I listen to this chode haggle over the price of sliders. Sliders! Apparently he needed to understand why they (the sliders) were cheaper in a combo meal than stand alone.

DB: “I want to pay the combo price, but I don’t want the combo. Just the slider.”

This carried on for another seven minutes. Not only were their more people in line by now, but this ass-wipe asks to speak to the manager. Oh yeah. Get’s better.

Finally, a random employee takes my order at another register while Master Blaster argues over pennies. After I pay, the kind employee hands me a plastic cup for my drink…it slips…ahhhhh….and falls to the …. countertop.

Employee: “I’m so sorry, Sir. Would you like another cup.”

Me: “Thanks, but no. I’m not THAT high maintenance.”

(pause for effect)

Douchebag (to me): “What the fuck you just say?”

Everything in the store stopped. Even the rotisserie chicken quit rotating. I looked up directly at the employee frozen before me on the other side of the counter.

I thought for a moment – I could probably handle this guy. Never been in a fight before, at least not one involving fists. Crap. If I get my ass kicked in a Boston Market, Charles and Ray will never let me forget it. Dammit! Think, Will. You’re intelligent…slightly…you can come up with a way….OUT!

Mustering the most serious look I could, I turned to face my attacker. Finding his cock-whipped face, I stared right back at him.

You could feel the tension in the room mount. Macho Man raised his eyebrows and performed the signature douchebag shoulder shrug that says “wanna fight”.

Then, without hesitation or panic, I casually reached my hand up to my face, swerved to the right side of my head and pointed at my Bluetooth earpiece I had forgotten was there AND said, “Sorry, honey, this gentleman is listening in on our conversation.”

The expression on the asshole’s face…priceless.

The seated customers chuckling at him…way more priceless.

But the store manager saying “Sorry, sir. But you’ll have to pay the stand alone price,”….mutha fuckin PRICELESS!!!

I quickly paid and fled the scene. Sitting in the safety of my truck, I watch as the cheap bastard unlocks and climbs into his Maserati! Now THAT the Dude cannot abide.

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About Son

Unemployed, but trying.
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5 Responses to Bluetooth SAVED MY LIFE!

  1. Kevin says:

    Good story and well played. I was wondering if it was going to read, Got my ass kicked by a douche bag……..PRICELESS!

  2. Pingback: Bluetooth Saves My Wallet | Son of Stan

  3. Charles says:

    I am just curious what is wrong with member’s only? I would have stayed a virgin until 21 without that jacket!

  4. Brad says:

    Who goes to Boston Market for sliders in the first place? Like motel showers after Psycho and swimming after Jaws, this story has left me with an uneasy feeling I just don’t care for and can’t seem to shake. Ordinarily, spending a few weeks in Dallas for the sole purpose of hunting down every Maserati owner would sound like a colossal waste of time…

  5. Wife says:

    You’re right. This guy exceeds the threshold for regular douche bag – he qualifies for “epic” douche status.

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