Bluetooth Saves My Wallet


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As many of you may know, a couple months ago my Bluetooth earpiece saved me from  getting my ass beat at a Boston Market. If unfamiliar with this incident, then please catch up.

Today I discovered a new use for my Samsung device: ignoring the homeless.

We all hate beggars. They force us to feel bad about ourselves before we even have a chance to realize we don’t intend to give them any money. Don’t EVEN try to deny that you…yes YOU reading this…don’t roll up your window when you see a transient panhandling from the median of the signal you are 100 feet from stopping at.

Vagabonds induce guilt. Simple as that. And I don’t know about you, but when I’m tooling around town in my overpriced SUV, wearing a mortgage-watch, college-tuition-sunglasses, and sipping an ignorantly-expensive-Starbucks-roadie, the last thing I need . . . Tommy Two-Teeth interfering with my undeserved sense of entitlement and Zen.

Back in the old days (4,000 B.C.), humans didn’t turn their backs on other humans. (Not sure this is factual.) We helped our fellow man (or ate him) if he was in need. Sadly, somewhere along the way we’ve slowly distanced and disconnected ourselves from the indigent. The homeless now fall under that terrible guise of “It’s someone else’s problem.”

Which makes things soooo much easier. Knowing there are other people out there caring and stuff makes my life of luxury much cushier. I know, I know . . . I’m an asshole. How dare I admit to NOT wanting to hand over the change at the bottom of my cup-holder or glove box that somehow has been encased in a sticky substance which adheres the coins to the absolute bottom of the container. Trying to fingernail those chunks of tacky copper and nickel is highly frustrating, not to mention you get your fingers filthy in the process. And for what? For some prick standing on a street corner next to a rented 42′ fire truck and holding a black rubber boot? No way, no sir. I’m not buying into that trick.

Speaking of disguises . . . the most shameless display of soliciting alms falls around December. I can’t walk into Neiman Marcus or Tiffany’s without some fat, jaghole lounging around in a nice, comfy plastic chair waving his damn bell in my face. How obnoxious!? Openly and blatantly beseeching me and my fellow ostrich-wallet-toting pals for our hard earned cash. Sorry chubs, my money’s getting donated to a cause I can feel good about: sex with my wife.

Aside from the two scams above, the destitute don’t bother me so much anymore. I’ve trained my eyes to avert whenever I sense a wheel chair holding a man with no legs and an out-tipped cap, or a torn piece of cardboard with horrific penmanship scribbled on it clutched between two grimy hands. As my childhood ninja training taught me – if you cover your eyes, you become invisible.  But since I’m usually driving or walking, I can’t really close my eyes . . . that’d be ridiculous. Instead, I just . . . . look away . . . and THAT makes me invisible. I call this awesome maneuver “Out of Sight, Out of Mind”.

READER: But SOS, what happens when you’re walking to your car, say . . . .from the grocery store and, God forbid!, you get accosted by a transient woman waving a piece of paper with lies written all over it about how she can’t speak or support her kids? What then?

SOS: First of all, don’t yell “bomb”. I tried this hoping it would draw people near me, but sadly it did not. And the woman who was hounding me in the parking lot, stayed in character and did not run away. She really wanted me to believe she was deaf. Kudos to her for not breaking the 4th wall.  INSTEAD, do this: Always wear a Bluetooth earpiece.

READER: But why?

SOS: If a hobo sees you walking out of Hugo Boss or Carl’s Jr. with a fancy flashy thing lodged in your ear, he will immediately elevate you to Donald Trump status . . . and Section 8′ers, by law, will NOT approach Trump for money.

READER: But what if they don’t see the earbud?

SOS: First, don’t make eye contact. Walk briskly toward your conveyance and scramble to get inside. DON’T over-scramble, though; you don’t want to offend the dollar-less by letting them know you can’t stand them. Act as if you are late for a business meeting – even they, the poverty-stricken, can respect that.  Second, try to ignore Ms. Bankrupt as she shouts at you. Pretend you can’t hear her under-privileged cries for help. Third and finally . . . this is the MOST IMPORTANT PART . . . assuming you are wearing your “Hey Look At Me” earpiece like I instructed, turn toward the insolvent, break Rule 1 and look at her, then point to your “I’m A Chode Who Feels It Necessary To Wear This Dumb-ass Device Into Restaurants, School Plays, and Doctors’ Offices So People Around Me Will Think Me Important, Wherein They Actually Want To Scorpion Kick My Face” Bluetooth device and gesture that you are in the middle of an important phone call.  The Pauper will then know you can’t simultaneously search for loose change AND talk to your lame friend about his Facebook status, thus leaving you alone to handle the troubles of the World in privacy.

READER: But what if they don’t believe you, SOS? What if the fortuneless won’t leave?

SOS: They always leave you alone after that, dear Reader. No homeless person can withstand the “I’m On A Phone Call” tactic. It’s invincible.

READER: But what if I just decide to give them money and feel better about myself?

SOS: Then you’re dead to me.

READER: That’s rude. How dare y—

SOS: (pointing to my earbud) Sorry, I’m on an important call.

Win.

 

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About Son

Unemployed, but trying.
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