Why is America facing so many problems?


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Because video montages killed our work ethic.

Think about it, there are movie montages for everything. And it’s because of these compacted chunks of time set to bitchin’ bossanova beats that we, Americans, no longer strive to work longer than we think is necessary (e.g., 3 minutes, 22 seconds). Therefore, like any legitimate national crisis, I blame the 80′s.

WORKING OUT

The training montages in ALL the Rocky films single handedly made America obese. The US was the fittest nation up until 1976. Now it’s the fattest. After watching these movies, rational citizens immediately assumed they could ditch the daily one hour workouts, seven mile runs, and gym memberships and begin to take it easy. And with the cold war over, people no longer tried to stay in peak fighting condition for when Russia invaded.

Nope. Idiots hoped they would discover the shredded muscular body under their soggy blob of fat merely by jumping rope, grunting repeatedly, and pulling family and friends through the snow on an ox cart, all in less than the time it takes for an 80′s song to play.

SPORTS

People, you canNOT learn karate in the course of a summer painting some dude’s fence.  I hear sob story after sob story from morons who, because they washed their dad’s car and painted some window trim, thought they could pick a fight in a bar and win. Turns out the crane kick to a man’s full stein glass will get you an IV drip of lidocaine and a progressive hematoma on your skull.

Nor can you learn to dance dirty in a weekend. I don’t care if you’re Swayze incarnate, it ain’t happening. So many twits express their disappointment when they show up at Arthur Murray hoping to learn to tango in under an hour.

Any respected sport requires years of hard work and discipline. If it were easy enough such that any person could do it, it’d be called golf. (Which unfortunately is referred to as a “sport” by lazy Americans.)

SUCCESS

Simply because Tony Montana had a 15 foot tall rotating globe installed in his foyer does not mean you will. (Unless you sell crystal meth.) We see career montages in films and our subconscious lays the foundation for the most retarded notion that our personal climb to the top should only take a couple months AT BEST. My generation and the ones following are the largest bunch of self-entitled jagholes this world has ever seen. Guess what tweedle dicks? Our parents actually worked hard for their promotions and salaries. Do the country a favor: knock the chip off your shoulder, tear that ridiculous Scarface poster down from your bedroom wall, and get a real job starting at the bottom. STOP, I repeat, STOP holding out for that upper management position because I can promise you, it’s been filled. By someone who worked for it.

In summary, I just discovered another, better website has already covered this topic. Shit. And here I thought I could write a brilliant critique on continual collapse of Ameri——–

(Track #2 Ended)

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About Son

Unemployed, but trying.
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4 Responses to Why is America facing so many problems?

  1. Cat says:

    I don’t know about this; I experienced more pleasure reading this post than any other post I have read. Perhaps it was the inspirational yet subliminal montage music that was playing in the background while I was reading. Images of me reading your blog from different angles fading in and out were going through my head as I read and listened. Is there a way to write in montage format so people will listen to/read your blog more effectively?

    Perhaps you should just put a little music player in your blog that loops “You’re the Best” by Joe Esposito.

    Just sayin’.

  2. Charles Jones says:

    “Simply because Tony Montana had a 15 foot tall rotating globe installed in his foyer does not mean you will.” Thanks Dickhead for crushing my dreams.

  3. Wife says:

    I don’t know what you’re talking about. How could you NOT workout and learn everything you need to know in about 15 minutes?!?!

  4. christopher says:

    Fuck Cracked.

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