I’m Bilingual!


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False.

When I took my wife to Italy a few years  back, I was so excited for her to finally see all the things she’d been dreaming about . . . the Colosseum, St. Peter’s, Trevi Fountain, gelato. But what captured my excitement even more – speaking Italian.

See, I spent a semester in Rome back in 1997. Submerged in the Italian way of life I picked up the language and even carried on struggled conversations with locals in their native tongue. Quite enchanting. Continue reading

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The Cub Scouts of America . . . are Terrorists!! (The Finale)


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The Dad and Lad Camping Trip

It doesn’t get much more Americana than this – a group of fathers and sons spending a weekend together in the wilderness, bonding over s’mores and tales of the great Wolf spirit. At least that’s what the brochure promised. The actual experience . . . the Lord of the Flies meets Meatballs (1, 2, and 3!) with a side of Dirty Dancing. The only things missing that weekend: Corey Feldman and plumbing.

My subgroup of Pack 140 consisted of about eight twerps, myself included (and the whale). I don’t remember where this camp was located. Could have been at David Koresh’s Funland in Waco for all I know. Our pack rode down together in a large white van with torn vinyl seats, sticky floor mats, no seat belts and no lining at all on the interior. It was so loud inside we couldn’t hear Crandle being ambiguously gay. (No one wanted to share a tent with him – we all thought him flitty.) This didn’t stop him from leaning over the seat so he could show us his drool slurp trick. You’ve seen it – a kid with unusually gooey spit, likely a snot/saliva hybrid, lets as much of it stretch down from his lips then suddenly sucking it all back in before it snaps off under its own weight. Yeah, fucking gross. Well, Crandle decided this was his greatest achievement (probably still is) and kept pushing the limits of his drool’s tensile strength.

“Hey! Hey, Will! Hey, Will! Watch this.” He rapped me on the shoulder until I looked. Continue reading

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The Cub Scouts of America . . . are Terrorists!! (Part II)


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The ride home found me flipping through the pages of what would consume my extracurricular life for the next year or so. That handbook teemed with hundreds of useful skills . . . for someone stuck on Gilligan’s island in 1546.

Knots. Lots of damn knots. I don’t live near water. No sailing for me. That eliminates 4,000 stupid knots. Don’t work in a theater – no need to rig set pieces with self-tightening knots. Don’t rock climb – hate heights. Ridiculous. I will never have a need to tie a Carrick mat, blood knot, timber hitch, or falconer’s knot. Who does?

(Actually . . . Me. I did all those things mentioned above in college. Went sailing. Not only worked in theater, but a got a degree in theater as well. And rock climbing? Loved it so much I took my wife climbing on our honeymoon. So screw you, young version of me. We did need to know those things. Well, all except the falconer’s knot. I hate birds. Sure as hell don’t want one perched on my arm waiting to gouge out my eyes. An evil German Shepherd’s already got that job.)

Next . . . Continue reading

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The Cub Scouts of America . . . are Terrorists! (Part I)


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I don’t remember enrolling in Scouts. I woke up one Saturday morning, watched cartoons, played with my extensive Legos collection, only to be summoned downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. Or so I thought.

“Here’s your uniform, son.” Dad said standing next to the breakfast table. He handed me a navy blue short-sleeved shirt and shorts – the then uniform of the Cub Scouts of America. “Go try it on.”

It was 1984 and I was six. Dad knew that by saying “try it on” instead of “put it on” he could fool his fool son into thinking it was a new outfit. And he was right. I ran upstairs to my room with the grace of an epileptic giraffe excited to put on my new clothes.

The fabric felt rough. Rough polyester. Nipple chaffing material. With no chest wig to protect my boney pale flesh I immediately disliked wearing the shirt.

I mean seriously. Even with the ever-reaching ears, I still looked like a tasty treat to any roaming pedophile. Hello? Did Victor Willis of the Village people come up with the design? And by design I mean inappropriately short.  Continue reading

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The Sweet Taste of Revenge


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January 1989. 

Lancaster schools, like most Texas public schools, closed there doors at the first sign of freezing precipitation. God forbid us helpless, ignorant rednecks leave our pine-board domiciles and risk frostbite on our journey to the intermediate campus. Local bureaucrats feared lawsuits more than they feared their future registered voters receiving an education. And for that, I thank those poll jockeys. I and my fellow coon-hunters took full advantage of these reprieves.

This particular day, however, fell on a Wednesday, the second worst possible day of the week for schools to close. Tuesday being the absolute worst. If snow fell on Tuesday, the odds of it remaining for over 24 hours were terrible – Texas soil actively repels not only snow and ice, but also any cooling water during the blistering summers. Thus, we’d be forced to slog back into our uncomfortable wooden desks the next day.

Now Thursdays were weather lottery days. If it snowed on a Wednesday night, there’d be little chance the district opened its doors on Thursday. And in Texas, why go through all that arduous trouble of summoning students and teachers back to class on a Friday when the weekend is right there, less than 36 hours away, begging to absorb our delinquency? Boom – you got yourself a 4-day weekend. Jackpot. Continue reading

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Lecture #69


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October 1990. Evening. I’m getting ready for bed in my room. Dad, home late after a crap day at the office, stood at my door. After the usual introductory remarks, he’s managed to slip into a topic that all sons try to avoid. And how he segued into this matter is a goddam mystery.

Spend three minutes with the guy and you’ll be just as perplexed. He’ll greet you with a handshake and a “Hey, did you read that article on dwarf stars and their effect on pulsars?” only to surprise you with a chokehold of “And have your bowel movements been soft and regular?”

Continue reading

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They All Float Down Here


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After extensive research (asked 5 people I know and 1 elderly man suffering the early stages of dementia) I have confirmed that everyone hates clowns. Some of you may have suffered a physical assault during a traveling circus that landed in your town square, offering jokes, elephant rides, games, and a “petting zoo” where YOU were the miniature pony.

I, on the other hand, have other reasons: Continue reading

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Lunch Wisdom, by Carl


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At lunch with my mentor, Carl, we were greeted by a taught hostess, her breast testing the limits of the suffocatingly tiny red sweater she had on. We enjoyed following her to a table placing us within unobstructed view of the hostess’ stand.

I don’t remember what Carl and I said or ate for lunch, and it doesn’t matter. What really matters is the nugget of wisdom my scholarly pal imparted upon me on the walk to our respective cars.

ME: Holy lord those were huge.
CARL: I know. Magnificent. Dude, you know she knows we were looking.
ME: Yeah. She probably thought we were gay and compliments from gay dudes carry way more weight with women then heteros.
CARL: We did look slightly ambiguous in there.
ME: Maybe we shouldn’t hold hands when we eat anymore.
CARL: Good point. Fuck she was hot.
ME: Right? I wouldn’t even know what to do with those sweater hounds.
CARL: How do you mean?
ME: I’ve never been with a girl with breast of that magnitude. EVER. Sad story, but true.
CARL: So what?
ME: I wouldn’t know what to do with them if given the opportunity. I’d panic.

CARL: Dude, calm down. It’s no different than driving a car – small or big, you drive both just the same.

(Audible “gong” sound)

ME: Yes, my master.

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Curiosity Killed the Cache


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This weekend I completed several past due projects around the house: ate the last bit of frozen yogurt I vowed not to waste last year; located my testicles with a Wahl trimmer; poured the remainder of my water bottle on my dehydrated Bonsai; reminded the tree rats in our backyard that I own a pellet gun; and finally, if not most importantly, backed-up our only working toilet AND the contents of our home computer onto an external hard drive.

The toilet’s fine, by the way. Continue reading

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“A funeral joke?”


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This was the question my brusque sister posed the snaggle-toothed funeral director last Saturday. We, the Pallbearers, milled around a cramped, dried-out room awaiting our instructions from the inept FD. My sister stepped in to ask her husband, a pallbearer, a question regarding the video equipment she needed to use for the slide show. I’m-around-dead-people-all-day-and-believe-Fox-News Steve (said director), entered the crowded room to begin giving instructions as we, the bearers, were to properly . . . ehem . . . . bear.

Steve stands four-foot-fucked to my statuesque sister’s five-foot-ten. Which means he entered the room at breast height. Adding raised excitement to what I can imagine is a long list of mental ailments for Steve, my sister is also extremely attractive (NO, don’t even go there with the incest jokes).

CREEPY OLD DUDE: “Hey, if you stay in here, you’ll have to carry her, too.” (teehee hee hee hee hee hee).
SISTER: (without pause) “A funeral joke? Classy.” Continue reading

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